Updated as they come, the best CRC/Dutch/Yankee Dutch/Calvinist jokes available...

The Contemporary Worship Song vs. The Traditional Hymn

The Dutch Christian Reformed Airline

You Might Be A Dutch Calvinist If...

Sonnieschoel Pikkenik

Footprints In The Snow (Calvinist Guilt)

Dutchmen In The Dessert

Who Invented Copper Wire?

The Barber And The Clergymen

The Christian Reformed in Heaven

Reprise: Contemporary Worhsip Song vs. Traditional Hymn

The Contemporary Worship Song vs. The Traditional Hymn

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well", said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sung praise choruses instead of hymns".

"Praise choruses?", asked the wife. "What are those?"

"Oh they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different", said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?", asked the wife.

The farmer said "Well it¹s like this if I were to say to you "Martha, the cows are in the corn" well that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you,

Martha, Martha, Martha,
Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA!!!!
The cows, the big cows, the brown cows,
The black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows
The Cows, the COWS, the COWS are in the corn
Are in the corn
Are in the corn
In the corn, CORN, COOOOOOORRRRRNNNNNNN!

Then if I was to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise chorus"!"

As luck would have it, the exact same Sunday a young, new Christian from the city church attended the small town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well", said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sung hymns instead of regular songs".

"Hymns?", asked the wife. "What are those?"

"Oh they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different", said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?", asked the wife.

The Young man said "Well, it¹s like this if I were to say to you "Martha, the cows are in the corn", well that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you,

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their head is no shadow of sense
Hearkenest they in Gods sun or His rain
Unless from the mild tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broken free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth and reborn
Where no vicious animal makes me soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

Then if I were to do only verses one, three and four and change keys on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.!"

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The Dutch Christian Reformed Airline

YA, SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNESNOWTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT UND SOUT DAKOTA, AND MOONTANA. TRY IT, YOU VILL LIKE IT!

If you are traveling soon, tink about Reformed Air, da no-frills airline. Ve are all in da same boat on Reformed Air, vhere flying is an uplifting experience. Dere is no first class on dis Reformed Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish--absolutely NO lutefisk, und 22-30, a dessert.

Basses und tenors vill sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her. own baggage. All fares are by freevill offering und da plane vill not land until da budget is met!

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you vith da safety system aboard dis Reformed Air 599. Okay den, listen up: I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain VanVort because ve fly right around 20,000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure vould probably indicate da Second Coming or something of dat nature, und I vouldn't bother vith dose little masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna haf bigger tings to vorry about dan dat. Yust stuff dose back up in der little hidey holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence vhich, to be honest vith you, ve're going to haf quite a bit of at 20,000 feet, sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vhile you get used to it. In da event of! a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer und yust hope you get to da part about forgiff us our sins as we forgiff dose who sin against us, vhich some pipples say "trespass against us," vhich isn't right, but vhat can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because dey may interfere vith da plane's navigational system, vhich is seat of da pants all da vay. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, und if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould haf put your mout on da side of your head.

Ve're going to start lunch right about noon und it's buffet style vith da coffee pot up front. Den ve'll haf da hymn sing; hymnals in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours vit you vhen you go or I am gonna be real upset und I am not yoking!

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You might be a Dutch Calvinist if...

* You finish the food on your plate in a restaurant even though it is burnt or otherwise unsuitable for human consumption

* You reused plastic margarine containers long before anyone heard of the environmental movement

* You have a two-volume address book. Volume I: A-U Volume II: V-Z

* You have never skipped church to watch the Superbowl

* Your main contribution in increased gender equality was to switch from KING to Wilhelmina brand peppermints

* Your range of restaurant choice is restricted to the contents of a "Buy One Meal, Get One Free" coupon book that you bought to support missionaries in Sierra Leone

* You wipe the last of the butter out of the container with your roll

* Your mother's hairdo is the same at your wedding as it was at hers

* Your closet is divided into work clothes and Sunday clothes

* Your church attendance record is not interrupted by childbirth

* Your Sunday routine resembles this: Church, coffee, roast beef, green beans, a nap, and Church

* You have a front room but never sit in it

* All your cookies taste like almond

* You make the bed in a hotel room

* The last tip you left in a restaurant was "Don't wear so much makeup" and "A little quicker with the coffee

* You have always been to church on New Years Eve

* You can sing "eere zij God" even though you can't speak Dutch

* You think that being progressive means discarding the Psalter Hymnal in favor of the Steve Green songs on the overhead

* Seeing hands in the air during worship causes you to look around for a stickup man

* You are still trying to justify owning a dishwasher

* On summer vacation you couldn't swim, only wading up to your knees was allowed

* At your wedding, everyone was swaying, but no one was dancing

* You have attended worship services at a campground amphitheater

* You know what an afghan is

* You have lace on your windows, but not on your underwear

* Your two permanent Saturday jobs are to wash the car and make sure you have enough single bills for the offering plate

* All of your recipes are adapted to fit into a 9X13 pan

* You can't imagine a funeral reception without ham on buns

* The Usher never has to ask you where you want to sit.

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Sonnieschoel Pikkenik
(The English translation has been removed because...well...if you can't read Yankee Dutch, this isn't funny.)

Maai, maai, we ken toch 'n heb latse fon wit 'n nais bonze piepel. Onze sjurts es givin a Sonnieschoel Pikkenik, an we ken toch about how sleck de peent bisnis is, zeg ik toe mijn wijf: "Nou ma, wij gaan todee to de Fifevven woeds to see what de goin' aan is." Welk, mijn wijf is alletaim reddie voor 'n goed taim en zoo sji pekted wij'n besket met senwisjes en bons met hem en sjies en benennes en piekels en zoo, en koffie in 'n froetken en den we rait ons de delivver trukje.

Wij kinda 't iezie volkin, joeno, becuss mijn wijf is poedie fet en aan top of dat, weei evverboddie raid noudees in 'n kar, als diesent piepel, also ve niet zoo poer ekten. Wel, ve ver dere poedie kwiek en der zaten latse ander piepel, Bik Nik, de boetser, en Sikke Pit, de teeler, met ik raidewee. Nou, dat was al 'n nais bons, voor mijn wijf ook, dey is nais kompenie. En zij liikt die woemens toch peodiegoed, bout Nik en Sikke hebben it goed in dis kontrie, joeno, zijn latse monnie wurt. En aan top of dat Sikke is en eller en Nik vus 'n koppel taims gerund voor dieken. Respekvol piepel, joeno.

Wel, efter 'n luddel wail staarte de bisnis. Dominee preede en gaf 'n nais spiets. 'T was 'n tekst meebie from de psalms. Somting laik dat. Maar 't was nais, dat's rielie troe. Some piepel don't looven sieries spietsen at benkwets 'n pikkeniks , maar ik zeg 't is arraid. Ve voelt dat later on de fon te maken. Besais, de dominie vus niet ekspekten die kreezie ekten. No, ik zeg, ook dat en 'n taim to leffen en 'n taim om to kraaien.

Ja, ik zeg dat it vus kreezie ekten , maar, of kos, ve didn't rais rofhous. O, no, 'twas allemal diesent fon. De kids wat bal gepleed, en wij groonop piepel vus sitten op de bensjes laffin om de kids in de toeleeked rees, en wat toked over bisnis en zoo, en Nik verteld van de bik faier in de Waiming Park. Zoodat noboddie behained onze bek zeggen. Vehad diesent fon.

En den it vus lonstaim. Wij zaten met dominie en jiffrouw aan de seem teebel. Zoo'n lang wan, joeno. Ik zat neks toe dominees Freddie. 'N nais booike en 'n joker dat hij is. Hij dropte kwiek som hem 'n piese piekel in mijn koffie. Evertaim hij luk at mij hij smailed like notting wrong. En den keek zijn sister and de ander saai van hem. Sikke Pit vus hebben a nais tok juust kietiekonned from mij and dey. But of course Sikke is ook eller en hij hef latse moor monnie als ik.

Wel, efter de lons, al de groonop piepel weer op de bensjes zitten, 'n koppel Sonnieschoel tietsers vus a luddel spietsje geven. But ik felt lijk op de kouts to ligger efter ieten. Ik zeg to Bik Nik, "Vie don't ve go and zitten in de sjeed op 't gras 'n liddel wail?" Zoo, wij en de woemens vent onder de tries zitten. nou, meebie is het niet zoo polait to de spiekers not to luisen, but ve had en bik lons and besaais, it vus only Jeek Looman uit de hardweer stoor en Rustie Jager, de draaigoeds man, dat given de spietsje. Kommen piepel laik wij al, joeno. En de niet half zoo muts monnie als Nik en Sikke.

Nou, zat sjoer vus nais in de sjeed en poedisoen it vus juust liijk hoom. Ik stretste mij lag uit in 't gras en mebbie had 'n luddel napke. Suddenliek ik jompte verscheerd. Ik hallerde: "O, ik heb 'n Bok in 't oor!" Zoo luid dat Rustie Jager even de spiets stoppen, and de piepel onze bensjes all staarten to laffen. Wel, mijn wijf geppokt me 'n stikje en fainelie de bik labster of a bok iut, poediner de saais of 'n piese robber 'n pensel.

Wel, de getiekel over was and ik voelde a luddel foelies bekos de piepel bij de platvorm vus leften. En dominie had a look arond en hij vus med, aigis. Zoo, ik zeg to Nik en Sikke, "Ve beter luisten to de spietje." Wel, we did dat and lested niet so lang. Rustie Jager was poediesoen reddie to staarten de reezen . En dit taim was het ook voor groonop piepel.Vel, ik ben niet zoo kreezie over reezen met de leeks in 'n zaik en hard runnen. Dat's en poedie hard jaap. But ze hadden ook een smoor rees. Evverboddie dat vus villing moest lain op: wan, toe, trie. Wel, ik dacht, ik beter yoin de fon. En aan top of dat de prais vas 'n baks sigaars. Nou, dat was iezie cuz ik lijk wel te smoken. Bik Nik was ook in de rees, but Sikke peolde bek, omdat hij zei dat hij niet best strong sigaar smoken, but hij was freed dat hij look foelies mit jaap as eller, aigis.

Wel, meebie 'n duzzen men standin in de roo en Sjordie Vos, he vus on de kemittie, peste de sigaars. Nou, ik zag raidewee dat he iss a tjiep scheeten aan de kemittie, dat did de sigaar baaien. 'T waren lijk a piese of roops aan sjoer niet kost 'n nikkel. Nou, we hadden all 'n stoogie in de hed en 'n metsje in de hand reddie om aan de pents to strijken and Sjordie zeg: "Reddie, wan, toe, trie, go" en, woeps, al leekgs op in de eer en 't metsje aan de sigaar en 'twas one gepuf en gesmook.

Nou, ik deed mijn best, aiteljoe, ik vould lijk winnen dat baks sigaars, 't was all passebel. Ik smookted en pufte en peolde lijka mirakel. De smook vus in de noes kommen aan in de troot aan ik vould lijk to spitten, but je was niet alloud de sigaar met de handen te tutsen, zoo ik spitte saaiwees iut de konner of mijn mout. En dan kept puffen en poelen. Ik notisde poedisoen dat ik de beste smoker was bekos dey vasn't joezen de sigaar dat de mannen vas used to smoken moest.

Bik Nik was mijn tufste kompetieter. Hij was poedie kloos bij mij, but his sigaar vus burning crooeked, zoo dat was no wunner. Wel, fainelie wij was oonlie koppel reesen aan ki was afreed dat Nik de winner was ven hij got 'an fonnie to voelen in de stommerik. Den suddenliek begon Nik to koffen en de sigaar flapte uit zijn mout, en hij pjoekte al over, zoodat ik genoud werd de winner. Dat was wel toebed, but ik dacht: "Nimmer maind, ik heb de baks of sigaars hoor." Zoo dat was nais.

En mijn wijf had ook poediegoed luk. Sij von feurste prais in de fet woemens rees. Meebie had ze niet zoo 'n goed sjens as Mrs. Malefyt kos sij lat fester als mijn wijf. But Mrs. Malefyt is wat behaind taim, joeno, en weerd offel lang skurts. Wel, ze was qwiete 'n wees in front uf mijn wijf, wen suddenliek sij opgetengeld in haar skurts en over de kop tummelde. Nou, aiteljoe, dat was 'n gelef, kos de hool pubbelk know why she lang skurts weerde. Sij is bow-legged. Zij hobbelde rite street troe en bevoor Mizzes Malefyt weer rait saai op gezetten mijn wijf had de prais. Nais bik sommersosjes. Wel, ve hed 'n luddel lemmeneedik gedronken dat de sonnieschoel gaf frie voor notting. Ve ver vel seddelsfait, aan hoom ons de trukje gereden.

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Footprints In The Snow (Calvinist Guilt)
Published in the April 8, 1991 edition of The Banter

One night I had a dream.
I dreamed I was walking along the snow-covered beach of Lake Michigan.
As I looked back at the trail my feet left in the snow,
I saw my life clearly marked along my trek.

At all the high points of my life – when I made the church consistory,
when I completed my Precious Moments collection,
when my son chose Calvin over Dordt –
I noticed there was but one set of footprints dotting the frozen landscape.

But, at the low points – when our church had a series of seminarians for
seven months because no one would accept a call to Hudsonville,
when Zondervan’s sold out of my favorite Sandi Patti tape,
when my car broke down on Sunday in Holland, Michigan –
There were two sets of heavy footprints, marring the pristine flakes of the trail.

Puzzled, I cried to the Lord –
“Lord! Why this inconsistency?”

Suddenly, a cloud above the Grand Haven beach parted,
and John Calvin appeared in a single shaft of light.
“My child,” he said, “God sent me as your guardian theologian, to guide you
along life’s rugged pathways. When the burdens of the world plagued you,
when life’s heavy burden was almost too much to bear,
I was there beside you, holding your hand,
and whispering catechism quotations in your ear.

But, when you seemed to be enjoying yourself,
when happiness was the emotion in your soul,
it was then that I jumped on your back and made you feel guilty for having a good time.

Remember, my precious worm,
fun is not an option for you.”

I awoke in a cold sweat, glad to know Truth.

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Dutchmen in the Dessert

Have you heard the one about the Dutchman who was stranded alone on a desert
island for 30 years? A ship finally arrived to save him, and his rescuers
were very impressed with the three buildings he had built and asked him
about them. "Well," the Dutchman replied, "this is my house, and that building there is
my church. It's a wonderful church and I hate to leave it." "And what about this third building over here?" a rescuer asked. "Oh...well, that's the church I used to go to.

Have you heard the one about the two Germans, two Swiss
and two Dutchman who were all stranded on a desert island? Well, the two
Germans got together and started a brewery, the two Swiss got together and
started a bank, and the two Dutchman...started two churches.

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Who Invented Copper Wire?....

...A couple of Dutchmen fighting over a penny.

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The Barber and the Clergymen

A Roman Catholic priest goes in for his monthly haircut, at a new barber. After the haircut, he is fumbling around his wallet for money to pay the barber.

"Keep it," says the barber, waving his hands dismissively, "Clergy sit, for free."

"Why thank you."

The next morning as he is opening up shop, the barber notices a bottle of fine Italian wine, sitting on his front stoop.
"How nice! - this free haircut policy, might not be such bad idea," he chuckles to himself.

A Lutheran minister comes in that day. He too gets his hair cut. As before, the barber refuses to be paid from this clergyman.

The next day as he is opening up shop, the barber finds a large bottle of a very rich German lager, sitting on his front stoop.
"Yup - I've struck a gold mine here," congratulating himself.

The same day a Dutch-Reformed minister comes in. The barber can scarce concentrate on the haircut. The Dutch are famous for their networking, and money. Who knows ... this could be a source for even more business, from the town Dutch contingent!

The next day as he is opening up shop, the barber notices six more Dutch-Reformed ministers, standing around, waiting anxiously to get in.

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The Christian Reformed in Heaven

A man dies and is toured through Heaven's streets. Above the din of shouting in one quarter, St. Peter explains to the rookie that they are in the Pentecostal district. Elsewhere, the newbie is introduced to the Presbyterians, whose section of town is, of course, a model of urban planning, since all things there are done "decently and in order." The Episcopalians are an artsy lot, observes Peter later in the tour, though they're not very good at chess (unable as they are to distinguish a bishop from a queen). Baptists scuba dive in the River.

Finally, the apostle leads the newcomer far, far away -- to the very outskirts of the New Jerusalem. Hiding in the bushes, his voice barely a murmur, Peter points and says simply, "The CRC."

"Why are we whispering?" asks the greenhorn.

"They think they're the only ones here."

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Reprise: Contemporary Worship Song vs. Traditional Hymn

Old Worship Music:

Dear Father, endless praise I render
For soul and body, strangely joined;
I praise Thee Guardian kind and tender,
For all the noble joys I find
So richly spread on every side
And freely for my use supplied.
(“Oh that I had a thousand voices”)

The More Spiritual Lyrics of LOFT:

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
We love you, We love you, We love you
Jesus, We love you, Jesus, We love you
La, la, la, la, la. (Repeat 12x)
(“Jesus we love you”)

Old Hymn:

Love, so vast that nought can bound;
Love, too deep for thought to sound
Love, which made the Lord of all
Drink the wormwood and the gall.

Translates to:

Love that is really big,
Love that is hard to understand,
That love made Christ
Die for me. Yay!

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